he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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