3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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