I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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