I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
