Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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