Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
