she kept yelling 'call me bella'
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
