Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
