i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
