Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
