My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
