Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
