Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
