i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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