I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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