my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
