I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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