He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
