i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
