woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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