I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Come on in and take your pants off
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