what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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