You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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