Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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