i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
