I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
