So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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