When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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