I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
