I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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