note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
