She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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