Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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