I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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