can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
