Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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