I hate all girls vehemently.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
