I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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