I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
