guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
