I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Everything about him screamed your future.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
