it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
