Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
