now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
