i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
