True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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