So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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