I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
why is half of my head shaved?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
