before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
