In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
