And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just threw up on my dentist
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
