You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
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Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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