my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
