I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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