Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
